I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
sex in a hospital.. check
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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