2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
