I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
