I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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