peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize