you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
