I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
