My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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