Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
