Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
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Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I will pee on everything he values.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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