I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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