Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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