That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Please don't give away my fajitas
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
