i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
