It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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