It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
