How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
