You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg đđ
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nothing says âI spent too much in Vegasâ quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote âcalamari on the hoofâ
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