she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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