You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
