I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
