WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
