I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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