You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
