I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
