Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
