You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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