And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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