I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
