we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
