I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
