Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
