I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
