Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
