normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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