You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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