I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
