I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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