It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
whose ass print is on the piano?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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