So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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