it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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