Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
