We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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