dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Bring me that man meat
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
