I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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