im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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