i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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