if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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