I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
