she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
