Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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