Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
