I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
