I accidentally had phone sex last night
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
