mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
