remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
