hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
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Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
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