Did you just see the Batmobile???
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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