You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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