That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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