Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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