got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
